When I learned that I was pregnant with my son, I decided
early on that I will try to breastfeed him. Yes, try to breastfeed. The reason
why this concept came to me with a hint of doubt is due to the fact that my mom
and aunt also just tried to breastfeed their kids. I was also told that my aunt
was unable to breastfeed my cousin (her firstborn) because she did not have
milk but had milk on her next kids. My mom then went on to tell me that
breastfeeding is painful and very uncomfortable especially when you are back to
work. So from then on, I had this concept in my head that I may or may not
succeed to breastfeed my son and I was OK with that.
When my son was born, I was filled with so much doubt in
myself whether I will have milk. It is probably because of the story my aunt
shared with me. Our first few latching sessions were not successful as well. My
son had a really bad temper when it comes to latching and hates the feeding
schedule of 2-3 hours. He would sometimes latch OK with me but often times, he
wouldn’t. I even told the midwife that maybe because I have no milk that’s why
my son doesn’t want my breasts. To which I receive the reply that really struck
me up until this moment, “You became a mom, it is impossible not to have milk”.
Unfortunately during the early days that we stayed at the
hospital, I gave my son some formula milk. I was so overwhelmed with all the
mixed emotions I was going thru, not to mention that my son was losing a bit of
weight and jaundiced. I was tired, a new mom, sleepless and so I had given into
the strong temptation to feed him the bottle. I felt so guilty not being able
to provide for his nourishment so I chose to give him a bottle to make sure he is
not hungry.
When we arrived back home, that’s when I started to do a bit
of research about breastfeeding. How it makes it unique and how to be a lot
successful about it. I should’ve done this before I gave birth so that I was a
lot more informed. I don’t blame my mom and aunt, probably they don’t know any
better and just sharing what they know. I was especially devastated finding out
about the virgin gut! If only I can turn back time and protected my son’s
virgin gut. Guilt still haunts me up until now, but I cannot do anything about
it. I can only try to make up for my mistakes in the past.
From then on, with the support of my husband, I ditched the
formula and applied all the new information I gathered from reading on
breastfeeding articles that I find online and also by asking questions to our
local health nurse. It wasn’t easy. It took a lot of hard work, patience, tears
(from me), nipple creams and plugged ducts before we got the hang of it. I
tried all the possible methodologies that would work for me and my son so we can
have a synchronized understanding how to make our breastfeeding relationship
work. It was a long and painful process but totally worth it. Looking back now,
there were times that it was a lot easier to give up. But being able to find
encouraging articles online allowed me to persevere and exhaust all efforts
that I can to push myself to make it work.
Fast forward to 18 months now, and I can proudly say that I
am still breastfeeding my son. I don’t know up until what age I would allow him
to breastfeed. I don’t have a weaning plan at the moment either. All I know is
that I love it when he is breastfeeding and touches my face as he stares into
my eyes. I love how calm, peaceful and natural it feels.
For new moms out there who are planning to breastfeed, seek
help and read on about breastfeeding even before your little one is born. This
is your weapon when doubt hits you as you start with your breastfeeding
journey. This is mostly applicable to first time moms who feels that they are
alone and don’t have anybody to encourage and teach how to do it right. Don’t
be like me that only reached out to get educated on breastfeeding when my
little one is already with me.
If you are one of those moms stressing about breastfeeding
or having breastfeeding issues right now, I am sending you lots of love and
virtual hugs. It can be done, even if you feel that you can’t.
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