My Experience with a High Needs Baby

I have a clingy (high needs) baby. It was evident a few days after he was born. He would go on a sleep marathon only if I hold him close to me. The moment I put him down, I can count to five and hear him screaming. My first few days as a new Mom were not easy. It took some time for me to figure out what I needed to do with my son. I remembered those early days when I would constantly Google something to find out how to leave the baby in the crib or what the “problem” with him is. 

You see, I was able to mind my brother when he was a baby. This experience made me believe that I know how to take care of a baby – or so I thought. With my brother, I put him to sleep and then lay him down in his crib so he will sleep for an hour or so. He will never shriek the moment I put him down and will wake up happy. My son was different. No matter how long or short I waited to put him down, he still wakes up the moment I put him down. I tried doing all the advice I got from the Internet: PUPD, hush-pat, tap the leg, hold the leg, swaddle tightly, swaddle loosely, and I admit, a bit of controlled crying when he was about 4 months. It is not like I didn’t try to put him down, I just couldn’t. Days went on and naptimes were constantly a disaster. I found out that my son needs and loves his sleep, but just couldn’t (or wouldn’t) want to sleep alone. It is also around this time that I realized what kind of Mom I am; I learned that I am one of those who can’t stand to hear their kids cry. Especially if I know that what he wants from me is something natural, innate between a mother and child. It felt so wrong for me to ignore his wails of “help” as I try to implement what the article I read from the internet advised me to do. Add up to the fact that my son is very resilient. He is not like other babies who would stop after 2-3 minutes of crying. He can go on for as long as it takes until somebody gives him what he wants/needs.

Weeks went on and I was still plagued by confusion how to deal with my son’s sleeping habits. Mostly because of some advice I get around that I am “spoiling” him. Until the day I stumbled across Dr. Sears’ website about clingy (high needs) babies. I read the description and it’s as if everything was about my son. I did not believe it immediately but went to do my own “research” about clingy or high-needs babies and was surprised to read that I wasn’t the only one. I learned that there are other babies out there similar to my son; who are resilient to let their primary caregivers (Moms) know what they want and need from them. 

Because of this, I learned how to baby wear (something I thought I will never do). I would have my son constantly glued to me just so I can do something as he takes his naps. It was uncomfortable, especially because the belt sits on top of my c-section scar. But it allowed my son to take his much-needed nap for as long as he wants, making him a happy kid when he wakes up. I learned that if he wakes up happy, I can leave him to play in his crib for a while so I can go have a break. It allowed me to fold the laundry, sweep the floor, or have some tea.

Apart from baby wearing, I learned to accept my son. During the first weeks, I was trying to “fix” him because I thought something was wrong with him. It was a constant struggle between my son’s needs for human touch and my perception that all babies should sleep in the crib. But after reading Dr. Sears’ article, I learned it was me who was wrong. I was wrong to assume that like my brother; my son should be like that – sleeping soundly in his crib. I learned to accept that all babies and families are unique. This means that I can only use the advice I read on the internet or tips given by other Moms, but it is not a guarantee it will work for all families.

My son is 20 months old now. We still cuddle him to sleep. It is inconvenient, yes, especially because I needed to go back to work. But I was blessed enough to find nannies who are willing to do the same for us. Despite not sleep training him, I noticed some improvements with his sleeping habits. At around 9 – 10 months, we are able to put him to sleep if we are outside while he is inside his pram. Before, it was impossible. We could go around the whole city pushing his pram as he wails inside demanding to be carried.

I am a believer that things will get better. Over time, I have seen the improvement with my son’s sleeping habits. I am hoping the day will come for him to understand that he will never be abandoned when he sleeps in his crib/bed. But for now, I am just doing what any mother with high needs baby can do. Keep trying and just savor the moment because I know these times will never last forever.