Gradual Weaning Process for Myself: Letting Go

I was blessed with a lot of milk and I always thank God for that. While our breastfeeding journey was not perfect, I can say that I am so happy that until this moment we are still breastfeeding. I am also thankful that my current work setup allowed me to breastfeed my son directly. It can also be the reason why we were able to breastfeed for this long.

Despite being at home most of the times, I always pumped milk in the morning for my son. Regardless if he will drink the milk, I made sure that I pumped on my “pumping time”. It was the 15-minute session every day, every morning that I allocated to pump milk. Since my son did not regularly use the milk stash stored in the fridge, I accumulated enough freezer stash for him that filled the last tray of our freezer. Probably if our freezer was any bigger, I could’ve stored a lot more than what we ended up with.

When we go out, that’s when the stash became useful to us. I never breastfed my son in public (unless it was during a long plane ride) so we had to bring a bottle for him. However, at around 16months, my son voluntarily weaned from the bottle. We noticed that if we were out, he can last the whole time without drinking milk but will continuously do so if we were at home. If we tried to offer him the milk from the bottle whilst outside, he will throw temper tantrums while looking at me. Probably his way of saying, “What is this Mom?!?! I want boobs, not THIS!” We tried putting the milk inside his sippy cup, mixing with cow’s milk, mixing with flavored milk ETC. But nothing will make him drink milk unless coming from me.

So we stopped to bring milk while we are out. And that left us with our full tray of frozen breast milk stash. I had a quick look at the dates and the milk was still usable. I contemplated what I wanted to do with it. I initially thought of giving it away, but I held back. Why? I was thinking/hoping that my son will still drink the milk. I never thought I would feel that way, but it occurred to me at the time that the pumped milk belonged to my son. I thought of the days I was so busy with work, but I can’t/don’t want to skip my pumping session fearing my son will never have enough milk.

A couple of days passed by, and one frozen bag expired. I still have about 2 Liters of milk sitting inside the freezer. That’s when I finally accepted that my son will no longer use it. It has been months since he drank milk from any other source except me. I finally accepted that in order for the days/time I spent pumping that milk mean something is for it to be useful.

I offered the milk for donation and it didn’t take long for somebody to accept it. I didn’t meet the lady whom my breast milk went to but knew that her little one had tongue tie so they had issues with latching. But she was really determined to breastfeed her son. I gladly gave the entire frozen milk stash and somehow I felt a tiny pinch inside my heart as I was emptying our freezer tray. I knew that the milk will end up with somebody who needs it, but it just made me realize that it could be a sign; the start of my son’s weaning process. And it hurts me just by thinking about it.

After the milk exchange, I received a text from the lady thanking me. We exchanged a few more texts until I received this. With that, I just knew that giving the milk to somebody who will use it was the right decision. It could be the best way for me to gradually start our weaning process, letting go of our freezer stash.

Extended Breastfeeding: Thinking Out Loud

I don’t remember how many times my mom and some friends asked me the question, “Are you still breastfeeding your son?” or “He is more than a year old now. When are you going to stop?” And each time I get asked the same question, I try my best to give the same answer, hoping one day they will get it or get tired asking.

To be honest, I did not plan to breastfeed my son until this moment. From my last post, I was not even sure if I will breastfeed my son anyway. But when we finally got the hang of it, I told myself that I will breastfeed him until only 6 months. I went on to tell my husband that it might be better because I plan to go back to work and might need to leave home blah blah blah. But fast forward to this day, I know what I said before did not happen. When my son turned 6 months, I was back at work but I was working from home. We have a nanny minding him as I go to the office (aka my desk). But since I am constantly at home, my son would go berserk if the nanny tries to give him a bottle and I am just a few inches away from him. He would be inconsolable for an hour or so until I give in to feed him for 10-15 minutes. That’s when I realized that I can’t stand to hear him cry like that, especially when I know I can give what he wants easily. I had to make adjustments with my working hours, so that I could make up for the 10-15 minute feeding time that I give my son. But at least I was able to console my son when he needs me and be able to work peacefully, except during Wonder Weeks and teething.

When I realized that I was behind my 6 month deadline to wean my son, I thought “Surely after his first birthday, I am done with breastfeeding”. But my son is now 18 months old and I still breastfeed him. It is funny; I remembered I had this conversation with one of our Godmothers from our wedding. And how she told me she breastfed her kids until 2. At that time, I was thinking “My God, two years?! How about teething and biting!” But I can now say that one cannot truly understand unless you are in that same situation as the other person you are talking with. 

These days, I stopped planning when I will wean my son. It would be convenient to wean him soon, but a part of me feels sad just by thinking about it. I am sure not all moms would understand why I still breastfeed. But for now, I feel it is the right thing to do. It is my way to comfort my son, to hug him tightly, to reconnect, and say “I love you” without even saying anything.