It is raining today. It seems like summer has officially
ended here in Ireland. Terrible weather aside, my day didn’t start quite right.
Apart from our usual morning nanny on vacation (we do have somebody to cover
for her), my son decided to wake up late than usual, ruining his “schedule”. I
also had early morning calls that prompted me to give brief instructions to the cover
nanny in the morning. As I had my calls, I learned that my son decided he didn’t want to take his lunch (and
the nanny seemed to forget to give his fruit). As my work day went, I
learned how tight the schedules are for the project I am in (I am not sure how
much involvement I will have). I was trying to keep my head around my task for work when my son woke up as soon as the afternoon nanny
arrived. He refused to be consoled so it prompted me to step in and give him a 15-minute
cuddle/breastfeeding time. Even after that session, my son wants more of me. As
he constantly gripped on my shirt and never left my side. Fast forward later, he
still won’t take his snack and still won’t leave my side. The only thing that
distracts him is to watch a video from his nanny’s mobile. It’s OK but watching
meant no eating. So I am not sure how much he has taken for the day.
Having two different nannies for the morning and afternoon
is quite difficult for me since I am working-from-home. The past months, I have
been trying to work around my work schedule, the nannies schedule, and my son’s
schedule just to get the harmonious timeline at home from 8 AM – 5 PM. Like
anybody else working, I have deadlines. I have calls during office hours that I
need to dial in to. When my son has a bad day or decided he wants Mommy, it is
terribly difficult for me to focus on my job as an employee without feeling bad
that I need to deliberately ignore my son. Add to the fact that there is a need
to teach any new nanny about the routine/techniques/tricks on how to deal with
my son. It is one of those things I have come to know over the months that we
have somebody minding my son as I work (or try to work). As mothers, we have
that certain instinct to identify what our child needs/wants or how to handle a
situation. But we can’t ask or expect the same with a stranger, no matter how
“good” they are with kids. My son could go on screaming his brains out because
he doesn’t want what is in the TV but the nanny will never “get” it.
I am one of those Moms who want things done perfectly. But
as each day pass by, I learned to let go of some things since I don’t have
control over it. I learned to accept that my son behaves differently with me
than with her nannies, no matter how much he likes to play with them. I learned
that if I want things done according to my standard, I should do it myself. I
learned that it is impossible for my son not to cry when I hand him to his
nanny because he obviously wants me. I learned to accept it is hard to expect
the same results if I mind my son personally or if he is with his nannies. But
despite learning of these things early on, a day like this is still hard not to
feel bad about.
But what really led me to this post/rant? Well, I think this
is for my son when he grows up. I might let him read this to let him know how
bad today went for the two of us. Probably he will not remember this day of his
childhood when he grows up. I do hope that what he remembers are the time that
I try to be really there for him. I hope that the days and hours I allocate to
make time for him sticks with him rather than the time I pass him to his nanny
as he shriek in protest. I would show this to him so he will know what my
thoughts are for today and how I wish I am in the situation where I can just be
there for him.
It is still raining, my son not eating, work pending, and
house a bomb site. What a day, huh?!
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